My name is Kate. I’m 29 years old. I’ve been with my partner, Jake, for 11 years and we’ve been married for 5 years. I have a job I love as a paediatric nurse, and which I do well because I love babies, family and kids.

I was never a little girl who dreamed of a husband or career. Before drifting off to sleep, I used to lie in bed and dream about the stories I would tell my children, the games we would play, and how I would teach them to be strong, confident, good people. I was born to be a Mummy.

In 2011 I got pregnant. It was the best thing that ever happened to me. Despite what happened, it remains one of the best things that has ever happened to me.

This is a journal I began writing for my baby, who we called Peanut, so that they would always know how excited I was and how much they were loved from the very beginning. Now it is something I still write for Peanut, but mostly for me.

And maybe for you, too.

I hope other people can benefit from reading this, and that I can maybe benefit from your stories. If you think you want a window into my heart during this experience, I suggest you start where Peanut and I did. At the beginning.

Last May we welcomed baby Sprout into the world and he turned out to be a lovely boy called Asher Pax who we love to bits and learn from every day. It’s an adventure I hope lasts me a good half century or more!

Peanut’s place.

9 Responses

  1. hi kate, your story touched me, it left me with tears in my eyes as i know exactly how you feel. I have had 8 miscarriages and like you i want to be a mother so bad. I hope you get to experience motherhood, you deserve it. Take care and good luck. xxxx

    • Felicity, I can’t even imagine how I would cope with doing this 8 times. I hope someone has been able to give you some answers and some hope for the future. Thankyou for your good wishes. I will be a mother. Kate xo

  2. I have just sat here and read every entry you have written from day one. My eyes are stinging and sore, i just had to read it all at once not come back another day. Ive just been on your journey in a few hours.
    Im surprised at the similaraties i have come across. We must have conceived at the same time, i was due a week before you. My baby too came to a concert in my belly when she was only a few weeks, my favourite band who id never seen before. I remember being so happy to be sharing the moment together.
    I also have a good friend who was due a few weeks after me. I moved recently and she is back in QLD. We talked on the phone about our pregnancys, wishing we were closer to share it together. I’ve been withdrawn and not spoken to her much since losing my baby, cant really handle it. Im going back to QLD in August for a holiday and visit, the flights have been booked for months. We were looking forward to comparing our bellys…… not sure i can do it now.
    I lost my baby on mothers day. How unfair is that.
    My husband doesnt really speak of it much, im always initiating it and sick of being the one to do so.
    He felt it strange i wanted to name her. I did anyway, she was more mine after all, i have a right to. ( i know that sounds so wrong to say)
    Im also going through the desperation of wanting to conceive again and if it is ok to be trying. Ive had a period, am sure ive ovulated. We had sex only 5 weeks after it happened, it didnt feel right, it was more for him. He didnt want to use contraception, i did, it wasnt the right day to make a baby.
    I’ll wait to hear back from you to tell you my story of the loss of our baby, Lulu.

    • Thankyou for giving us some of your precious time. I think it’s nice you named Lulu. I wish I had known Peanut’s gender so I could give her (just a feeling) a proper name. I sent you an email to your hotmail, two actually, because I forgot I’d set up a dedicated withoutpeanut email 😛 It might be better if you email me Lulu’s story. I’d love to hear it x

  3. Hi Kate,
    I came to your site via mama mia where i had initiated a discussion about when is it ok to tell others of your news, good or bad and you wrote to me and provided this link.
    I lost my baby 8 weeks ago today. I was 14 weeks pregnant. I would love to connect with you, tell you my story and keep visiting your blog to see how you’re going.

    • We look forward to hearing from you. Take care of yourself x

  4. Hi Kate,

    Thank you for your reply. I would love to share my story with you – is there an email address I can send it to?


  5. Dear Kate,

    I am sitting here in tears as I type this – having just read your blog about your little Peanut. I just want to say that I am so very sorry for your loss – it is just heartbreaking to lose a baby… I know this because I too lost mine at 8 weeks. I know the pain and sadness and the heartache of losing someone so incredibly precious, and so loved, before they even get here.

    I want to let you know that in time you will be able to think about Peanut differently – without so much sadness. It does take time, and you will do it when you are ready, but I promise – there will come a day when thinking about Peanut won’t tear your heart apart.

    I wish you and your husband all the best for the future, and when the time comes, all the best for your future pregnancies. Because it will happen for you, and when it does you are going to be the most amazing mother. What a lucky little baby he/she will be to have someone like you (and your little Peanut) watching over him/her as they grow, and play with their brothers and sisters.

    Lots of Love to you Kate – you may not have been able to hold Peanut in your arms, but you will always hold her/him in your heart.


    • Dana, thankyou for your very kind words. I’ve been amazed through this time the difference a kind word from someone can make in your day. I’d like to hear your story if you’d like to share it.
      Wishing you all the best, Kate

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