My mum was here. Mums have this power to just make things okay. I wish I had gotten the chance to show you that.

It still hurts so bad, in a way that just takes my breath away. I hold my breath and screw up my eyes and go still. But I can’t hide from the pain and I don’t want to. It feels good and right to feel miserable. I owe you pain and grief and this awful empty ache and while I have it I’m still close to you.

I think I passed the placenta this morning. Again in the shower. I coughed and my stomach clenched and I just felt it slither right out of me. A big, sticky red lump of tissue about the same size as your little egg sac.

I almost feel like every further piece I lose the further I am from being a mother.

I feel like I’m a mother to you still.

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