I’m so tired, Baby. I’m tired and I’m sad and I’m sick on top of that. It hurts me to think of all the people out there busy being happy, and I hope I get over that soon. I don’t want to be like that.

P came to see us yesterday. I love P, but I’m so jealous of her. You and her baby were supposed to be friends and we were going to learn to be mums together. I hate that when I think of her baby I want to cry. The awful thing is P understands that, but Jake doesn’t. He just wants to tell me what I should and shouldn’t feel.

I think part of it is the success and relief I felt when I knew I was pregnant with you. I thought it was going to be so hard for us, and now I feel that we won that battle only to lose the war. And be sent into a new war the next day, this time without weapons or armour.

They say I should wait a menstrual cycle before we start trying again. I just want to be pregnant again tomorrow. I don’t trust my body not to keep me waiting for months. I feel like I’ve fallen behind in a race I was winning.

And I’m not replacing you. I almost feel like being pregnant again will help bring me closer to you again, giving me the chance to feel those happy feelings again that we shared while you were in my womb.

We had a conversation yesterday as I sat by your grave. I don’t really believe in reincarnation, but I like the idea and I think its in keeping with the nature of Earth and her cycles to not waste a soul. I asked you, if there’s a possibility, please come back to me. I know you wouldn’t be you, but just the idea of getting to hold you in any form and show you how good a mother I can be- I want that. I know other people would say its a dangerous idea, but I think its an idea I could find some peace in. Either way, you have moved on and I am left here to deal as best I can.

You’re gone, but I’m not empty. My ultrasound this morning showed there’s a small piece of something left. I don’t want to do anything about it till I have to. I feel like this is something I want to get through at home, without suffering through an anaesthetic or the dislocation of a hospital stay. If I have to, I have to, but that remains to be seen. I don’t want strangers in my uterus.

That was our place.

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