Well Baby, its one week on from that horrible day. I won’t say I feel better, but its no longer so all-encompassing. Is this the first step? My grief is still thick but I have gained some insight.

Your loss is something I will grieve for years, and that’s okay. There will be a lot of very hard days to come. Mothers Day will be the first. The first year that I’m a mother, or feel I’m a mother, but have no baby to celebrate. How can I not be a mother when I have this lasting relationship with you?

November 13, your due date, will be a very hard day. But hopefully with the months passing, by then I’ll feel able to celebrate that I got to have you, even for such a short time. I will make the day special for you and me.

I’m in no hurry to heal. It will come when it comes. I wish I knew how to make your Daddy understand that. I don’t have the energy to worry about him worrying about me. I can only hope that he’s passing through this intact. Your Daddy is an inscrutable man sometimes. Even to me.

I think it will help to have a project together. We are going to build you a memorial garden. Today we found a baby-size butterfly garden chair to mark out your place and some gardenias to make the air so sweet and attract butterflies for you. It will be somewhere nice we can go to enjoy our time with you.

I miss you.

I love you still.

I always will.

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