Today has not been wonderful Peanut. I had zombie dreams- my standard go-to-nightmares. Its about isolation, everyone becoming an enemy, the chase, a near escape and eventually losing the race. Always the same. So I didn’t start out in the best frame of mind. And I’m still tired, still sick, still sad and angry. Very angry.

I’ve never been good at anger. Never able to sustain it, but I can do melancholy very well. I have, over the years, had rather a lot of practise. So I feel uncomfortable, uneasy in my skin and something of a heinous bitch. I’m just really ready for something to go my way.

I had another ultrasound on Tuesday, hopefully my last till the next pregnancy. All that is left now is a little fluid which the sonographer said should pass with my next period. I thought I’d feel relieved that it was all over, but I just feel tired and empty.

Little surprise then, that when I asked her to look at my ovaries, I didn’t look like I had any follicles ready for ovulation. I guess I might be waiting a while whether I want to or not.

The asshole of a psychologist I saw today had the gall to suggest that Jake would be happy about that. Why? A return to the lots-of-sex trying stage. I told him, between gritted teeth, that Jake is ready for us to be pregnant again. What fucking nerve to tell me how my husband would feel! Like sex is a silver lining to my baby’s death.

Oh, how I did not get on with that guy, let me count the ways. I told him I’d had a miscarriage and he said “Oh. Bummer”. He told me I was only grieving for myself and not thinking about you, my baby, at all!

I do feel bad for you, for everything that was taken from you. And no one can prove to me that it wasn’t my fault. And I did and do love you. I know I didn’t know you, but I loved all the possibilities of who you might become. I loved that you had chosen me to be your mum. I loved the 9 months we were supposed to share my body. I loved that you were my first baby.

I loved you because you were mine and I was yours. This is how it will always be.

There are no comments on this post.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: