All day I’ve been putting off doing my homework. Nothing new to me, and an area where I hoped you’d take after your Daddy, Peanut. The psychologist I spoke to gave me an assignment, and although I don’t like it and I don’t like him, I think there might be something to it.

I was as shocked as if he’d slap[ped me. I’m supposed to make a list of reasons to be glad that you “terminated” when you did. Cold, right? And all because I’d already said I knew it could have been worse- I could have lost you later or after birth.

I was horrified by the idea that he could expect me to have any gratitude or relief over any aspect of your death. I still cry for you every day, usually a few times, and on most visits to your grave and when writing here. We would have been 13 weeks today.

Actually, the words he used were that you “decided” to terminate when you did. Maybe letting myself believe that you had a choice and made a decision could help me, but right now I have actual physical chest pain from the thought that you would choose not to be with me. I know I am selfish in my grief.

I will write this list with the idea that you had insurmountable problems but nothing is simple.

1. Later in the pregnancy I may have been more attached to you, but I can’t imagine loving you more.

2. I didn’t have a lot of baby things I needed to dispose of, but I wish I had more to hold on to now.

3. More people would have known I was pregnant. Even though you and I have “gone public”, that was my choice and I got to control when and how.

4. A positive and negative- your Dad had never seen a bump or felt a kick, and I don’t think he knew to really love you yet.

5. I may have reached our 18 week scan and then been made to make the impossible decision myself whether or not to keep you.

6. You never had pain. I hope.

7. You weren’t taken from me after I had the chance to hold you and look into your eyes. This may also be my biggest grief.

I can’t do anymore.

Yes, one more.

8. It would mean that, maybe, you weren’t, completely, a victim.

That’s important to me because I feel like this was something that was done to you and me. Not logical, just emotional.

I considered putting this off but it seems kind of right to do this today, on Mother’s Day. It has been a hard and confusing day. I hid from the outside world, so likely today of all days was it that someone would ask me if I’m a mother when I don’t know how to answer. I sent out my Mother’s Day wishes, and Jake cooked me dinner because I asked him to, though not without complaining. What I wanted was for someone to wish me a happy Mother’s Day. Counterintuitive maybe, but I just wanted someone who knew about you to acknowledge me as a mother. No one did.

There was a bright spot. Your garden is growing up around you and I appreciate every blister earned in the pursuit of creating something beautiful for you. Because, for me, being your mother is the most important thing in the world.

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