Twice today I managed to go and sit by your grave a while. It feels less like  a grave and more like a garden everyday. I actually had to do the maths to work out that today we would have been 15 weeks. I suppose that it’s a good sign that I’m getting more distance, but I can’t seem to forget that it’s distance from you that I’m talking about.

How do you get over having the best thing that has ever happened to you taken away? I know I’m not the only one, I know it happens a lot- it’s a sincere question. I don’t really go in for rhetoricals. And after that has happened, how do you trust any good thing? Trust that anything is yours for keeps?

That awful psychologist was wrong- now is my time for selfish thinking. What if you were the only baby for me? I wake up in the night worrying about never getting pregnant again. And when I do sleep I dream about dead babies and rapists and zombies and every other terrible thing my mind can’t even stand to remember when I’m awake. I gripped onto you with everything I had and hung all my hopes on what I now know was only a possibility of you. I read the story of a woman who has had many miscarriages and she said something about the biggest myth of pregnancy being that it ends with a baby.

But scared as I am, I just want to be pregnant again now. I don’t see another way into my future. And, of course, I felt like I might be ovulating this weekend when I’m too sick to even entertain the idea of sex. Feels typical of my luck of late.

Peanut, if you’re still out there in any way, shape or form and have the ear of The Powers That Be, please tell them I was good to you while you were here with me. Please tell them I need a break.

3 Responses

  1. Hi Kate

    I too don’t believe in ‘God’ but I do believe that our angels have each other and are somewhere looking out for each other and us. I have five sets of little silver wings that I hang on my Christmas tree each year – one for each of my little angels who weren’t strong enough to stay here with us.

    I’m wondering how you’re going, as you seem not to have posted for a little while. I hope you are okay and that no posts might even mean good news? I think in your last post you mentioned sore breasts – I hope that meant something good for you.

    Your blog link is on my favourites bar at the top of my browser page, so I think of you often.

    Take care

  2. hi

    I lost my baby three weeks ago. Those exact words came to me last week

    “Dear God…..give me a break”.

    I love the way you’re asking your baby to pass on the message.

    I’m so sorry for your loss. I hope you’re doing ok

    I hope our babies can play together until we see them again


    • Orla, it would be nice to think Peanut isn’t alone. It’s something that has bothered me so I’d like to hope that all the lost babies can look out for each other. Being someone who doesn’t believe in God, or an afterlife necessarily, it’s been a confusing time with what to believe.
      I hope you’re managing okay. Three weeks in I was still very much in the dark. If you would like to share your story you can share it with me and all the other people who care about us and our babies, or you can let me know and I can send you a private message.
      Please look after yourself. Take the time you need to heal.
      Best wishes, Kate x

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