Today was sad but good. Life is like that sometimes Peanut. I would have taught you that there can be a beauty to sadness. It can make you appreciate the beauty of the small things. Like the beautiful storm light over your garden this afternoon, with leaves fluttering down around me as I finished labouring on my knees spreading mulch. Instead of feeds and nappies, I do weeds and watering. It sounds awful, but it keeps us connected and that’s what I need from the garden. To be with you through creation and growth.

I spoke about you to a stranger today. I bought pregnancy tests at the supermarket. I don’t think I’m pregnant but I’m bleeding so lightly it’s not even reaching my pads. I cant get rid of the idea that maybe it’s breakthrough or implantation bleeding. And in the last three days I’ve had soft cheese, poached eggs, reheated leftovers and coffee. I was trying to embrace the non-pregnant state, ironically enough. So I need to rule it out or immediately start damage control. I’m not hopeful.

The woman at the checkout lifted the pack of tests and blurted out to me that she just found out she’s pregnant. She was 5 weeks she said, and completely delighted. She asked if I had kids and I said no, but told her about you. Could have been exactly the wrong thing to say to a newly-pregnant mother, but she just smiled like she understood and told me she’s lost a baby in December. And she wished me well.

I wished her and her baby well and left. I cried while I walked back to the car and felt better for it. I’ve reached this point where I often want to cry for you but the tears won’t come. I treasure them more now. I was in a bookstore today and saw a book called “Feeling Sad”, starring a little duck trying to find his way through a dark time. It was simple and lovely and helped me cry right there. So I brought it home.

I feel like getting my period has set me back in time- from the hopeful, forward-looking, trying-to-conceive stage back to bereaved, childless woman. I know it’s not accurate to say I’m barren, But it’s a word that resonates strongly with me at the moment.

I miss you a lot today.

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