I’m lonely. I know it sounds maudlin, but I just don’t feel like anyone really understands where I am. Even though I’m lucky enough to have people who really try.

I want to say that I’m not sad all the time. This is somewhere I come to feel everything all the way through to the other side. Most of the time now I can laugh and gossip and make funny faces and do silly dances. But all it takes is just one little thing and I feel awful. Sometimes I miss those first few days after I lost you when I wasn’t capable of feeling anything but sad. It was a lot less confusing.

I feel like people expect me to be over it, and I don’t know how I can ever stop feeling sad about losing you. I don’t know that I should stop. I think it won’t be until I have a baby that I can heal properly, rather than these wounds that open fresh with a word. I’ve always been proud not to be fragile.

For the first time since I fell pregnant with you I’ve spent time with a friend who has chosen to end three pregnancies, and it’s the first time we’ve really discussed what she’s been through. I spent time with another friend and her three daughters in their home; just a normal family day for them. I feel like they’re two ends of a spectrum, these women of my age with whom I share a history, and I think they describe well how different each woman’s path can be.

The problem is that I feel ike I’m not even on that spectrum and I think it’s because I feel like I was deprived of any choice in my circumstances. I’m a mother who is still childless. Is it possible to be trapped and closed out at the same time? I’m feeling all oxymoronic. I feel like someone took the needle off my record and left me spinning soundlessly, and no one even notices that I’m still here, spinning away in silence.

I miss you and I miss being pregnant and I miss the sense of the wonderful future that was laid out before us. I was like a kid in a candy store and now I feel like an old woman. I just want to know that everything will be okay for me. I’ve lost faith.

One Response

  1. your comment about being a woman in a candy store wanting to know its all going to be ok sounds so true and easy to associate too. your view on being a mother who is childless is also something i am slowly accepting i would of been at 15 weeks tomorrow, sorry if this does not flow just overwhelmed and relieved to be reading this story and able to relate. you are an inspiration and an angel in disguise
    thanks julie and smartie(the name i gave my baby when i was pregnant as it was the size of one im sure)

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