Peanut, I’m really quite proud of myself and I hope you’d be proud of me too. I seem to be coping. It probably helps that I’m getting some sleep, the sun’s been out and I’ve been able to spend plenty of time in your garden, but, for now, I’m doing okay. I went to see B.G. this afternoon and we could both feel that I was finding my own way through it and decided together that I probably didn’t need to come next week.

I am very glad that I went to see her. She gave me some much-needed validation that I was right to grieve and helped me to manage my expectations of other people. She seems to understand me quite easily. I guess you do just have to find the right person to talk to. I left this afternoon’s session feeling really good because she told me lovely things about what she sees in me and they’re things I’d like to believe I am- warm, loving, giving, deep thinking, genuine, open. And she reinforced a lesson I wanted you to learn: life is for experiencing. Feel everything. The dark parts have their own beauty to be appreciated.

I also went to see Dr G. this afternoon. My bleed that started Sunday only lasted about 2 and a half days. So, despite my best intentions of waiting till I had physical symptoms, I did a pregnancy test. Which was negative, of course. I think I just want answers and that’s the only one I can get at home alone in 3 to 10 minutes. It was easier this time, seeing the negative. Like most things, I guess, I go through it once and let myself be upset and the next time it’s just easier.

Dr G. says it seems like it’s just my period, so maybe 28 day cycles are the new normal for me. I’d like that.

I talked to your Daddy about you. As I’ve grown better at dealing with it all, he’s finding the space to be sad about you for himself. It surprised me that he, like me, is really feeling the pressure of time. The growing distance between where we expected to be by now and where we are. He was feeling so manly and proud with the making of you. And he’s not very good at feeling like he’s moving backwards, your Daddy.

Do you know what I miss the most, Peanut? That delicious, liquid warmth I used to feel thinking about you- knowing you were tucked away deep and secret inside me.  

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