I seem to be wavering between optimism, pragmatism and pessimism. I logged into Ebay and bought enough ovulation prediction tests for another three months but I can’t stop checking my boobs to see if they’re sore. And then they are sore but it’s because I keep smooshing them to check. Now that I’m feeling so much better I can’t stop thinking about whether it will be this month. But what if we did conceive and all the inflammation affected implantation and means I’ll miscarry again? I know it’s out of my control but I wish it was out of my mind.

Jake has come up with some worries of his own. I don’t know why he’s thinking it now but he’s worried we lost you because of a problem with his sperm. Maybe it’s all those years of me telling him to get his laptop off “my” testicles. Maybe he’s been worried the whole time but couldn’t say anything because he was too busy trying to dissuade me from thinking it was all my fault.

Having you made us more than we had ever been and losing you lessened us. There has never been a moment when I wished that you hadn’t existed so we could avoid the pain of your loss, but I don’t want that to be the end of my story. I want to be Mummy to a baby I can hold.

Sweet dreams, Peanut. 

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