I think of this as our time of day, when the sun starts to sink and the goldenness of it comes slanting warm and gentle into your garden where I now sit. I’m sorry to say that your garden has looked better than it does now, but I’m almost 36 weeks pregnant now and it’s been a while since weeding came easily.

I feel less like this is where you are now. The more time that passes, the more I feel like I carry you around with me. Quiet but present; a friend and a soul belonging only to me. Not unlike the baby I’m carrying, but soon this baby will belong to the world outside and you will continue to belong to me alone.

It is a year today since you left my body and I gave you into the ground. It seems both an age and an instant. The grief still comes on me raw and surprising sometimes but I feel like such a different person now. Mostly due to the having and losing of you. I do wonder how other women can get through the loss of a baby in silence while I had this big, loud grief that couldn’t be denied.

And I feel no conflict in the dichotomy of still physically missing you and the experience that would have been your growth inside me and then your birth, and welcoming this baby, this much-needed baby, into our family. I know this baby is not you and feel it never could be because I’m no longer that me. But I have the space for both of you in my heart and in my life forever.

It’s this most awful of days that stays strongest in my memory now. Not the day we were told you were gone but the day, the horror of that very minute, when the proof of my loss was there in my hands and I hated my body and my life for letting you go.

I still talk to you, though rarely aloud anymore, and I still cry for you and I feel stronger for still having that connection to you. I miss you, I love you still and I always will.

You are irreplaceable. 

One Response

  1. Hugs Kate!! So close now to meeting your little one, but you’re right, your Peanut will always be with you and watching over you and your baby. Much love and best wishes for the coming weeks – I wish you more joy than you could ever imagine, faith in yourself, strength to carry on and immeasurable peace.


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