14.03.13

As the light shifts and the feel of the days change to that Autumn peace, you’ve been on my mind more than usual this last week and yesterday I even had the chance to speak about you with women who understand. Most of the time now, my thoughts about you are held close and go unshared. Your father remembers and thinks of you, I’m sure, but he still finds it hard to talk about you and see me still grieving, not understanding that grieving feels good sometimes. And it does feel good to talk about you and know I will be understood. Mothers love our babies forever, whether or not we are able to bring them to birth.

It’s not easy these days to find the mental and emotional space to think about you and love you the way I want to, but think about you and love you I do. That won’t change. It’s hard to reconcile what sometimes feels like a stasis or stalling in my relationship with you when I have a loud, active, adorable but demanding baby rampaging around the house and seeming bigger every day, but when I think of you I can always conjure those first glowing and promise filled days of early pregnancy. I suppose you are more of a feeling than a memory, and as the loss of you grows further distant, what I still feel most is hope. Thank you.

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