Happy Birthday, my lost love.

It’s 1 year ago today that you were due to arrive into our world. Today probably wouldn’t have been the day, but some time this month we’d have been sitting down to taste your first birthday cake, surrounded by people who loved you. Instead you have me, just me, and that thought hurts. These are the first tears I’ve cried for your would-be birthday, because it feels so unfair when I know you would have been so special. I haven’t mentioned it to your Daddy. He still loves you, but he doesn’t need to talk about it the way I do. It doesn’t mean you haven’t been loved and missed by him too.

Your little brother is chatting loudly, and it’s so hard to understand that even though he’s already so big, he will always be your little brother. And all those firsts we’ve had with him do remind me that they would have been yours, had life taken another turn. I can’t think in terms of  “should”, just of what is, and continue to remember the joy you gave me and think of you with love while I grow your flowers.

I love you, I miss you still, I always will,

Your Mother 


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