11.08.2014

We have a new little soul among us! Nearly 9 weeks and making his/her presence known with an indefatigable fatigue and some sterling sickness. Baby Gumnut feels like a real fighter and I’m trying to just feel that and relax into this pregnancy with no expectations and trying not to compare this to my time carrying Asher or my too brief time with you. But instead I’m throwing myself into thinking about birth and being ready for a newborn, as well as thinking how we will work a family around Asher and another baby (Will we all sleep together? Will I tandem feed? How do I give everyone enough of me?) and I’m not really thinking about this baby at all. I suppose that’s always going to happen more when you have a loveable, boisterous 2 year old to care for but I think I’m trying to block out my anxiety and that maybe there’s a little denial involved. This next week marks the place where your path split from mine and I find myself remembering it a lot. Not just the awful pieces; the joy and the excitement and the hours spent daydreaming come back to me as well and I regret that I’m missing out on those feelings and that bonding time this time around. I don’t know. I don’t know how much is denial, how much is pregnancy with a toddler around, how much is just being sick and tired. I don’t know. I know that I love all 3 of my babies and I need to take some time to dream and to connect with all of you. And just get through the next week. I feel like you’re still just there, somewhere just out of reach and out of sight. Look out for us, please?

 

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